3 months ago I wrote about my struggles with codependency and binge-eating. My intention was to continue posting weekly about my progress and the things I’ve learned, yet I never followed through. It’s not like I’d stopped trying to work my way through recovery. I journaled. I wrote songs. I took photos that were a reflection of my progress, but I didn’t share anything. I battled my internal thought process that told me to share my experiences, but at the same time told me whatever I wrote wouldn’t be worthwhile to those who read it. I let my own subconscious hold me hostage. It instilled fear, anxiety, and feelings of shame every time I even had a passing thought about sharing this with anyone. My procrastination is fueled by this inner voice; this voice that tells me I must be perfect in everything I do in order to be successful. Today I am silencing that voice, even if for just a moment.
I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. We never will be and that is totally fine.We make mistakes. We say things we shouldn’t. Sometimes we forgo productivity in the name of simply not feeling like it. That doesn’t mean we’re failing or not doing good enough. For years, more likely decades, I have had this “all or nothing” approach to life. Either I’m a singer or I’m not. Either I’m a writer or I’m not. Either I want to move to Sweden now or I never will, but life is not black and white. There is so much in between. I am a singer. I am a writer. I will live in Sweden some day, even if it’s not permanent. I have labeled myself, put myself into boxes that didn’t define me as one whole person, all in the name of being the perfect person for whatever situation I find myself in. The perfect son. The perfect friend. The perfect singer/songwriter, but the reality is, I’m not perfect and I’m not just any of those things on their own.
I am a son. I am a friend. I am a singer/songwriter, but most of all I am human. Being perfect in any of these areas does not define my life. They are just pieces of my life. I have literally been on the floor in tears because I felt like I was a terrible son/friend/singer etc. Why? I am willing to bet if I asked anyone from those areas of my life they would tell me I am a wonderful son, a good friend, a talented singer, so why do I let my inner voice convince me otherwise?
This “all or nothing” thinking and perfectionism has been what held me back since my initial post. I have been working on it in therapy alongside my work on codependency and binge-eating. They are all intertwined. They all amplify each other which can make this seem almost insurmountable at times. How do you silence 4 aspects of your mind that are so strong especially when they work with each other?
Honestly, the solutions seem so simple. Grouding yourself in the present through 3 processes I want to talk about over the next few months.
I’ll be breaking each of these into even smaller sub categories that I will write about as time goes by and I work through them myself. I hope you’ll follow my journey and my goal is to post more regularly. I’m not going to give myself a specific frequency, but I promise to have more to share with you in the next two weeks.
Until next time,